It's been a complex couple of weeks. Just visiting the farmer's market last weekend was a reminder of how bittersweet life is. Harvest is a beautiful time of year, but we know that just around the corner lies winter, the corn is going out, the squash is coming in.
My "due date" (which of course is irrelevant) was yesterday, I don't anticipate baby for another good week.I enjoy the last few days of pregnancy before birth.
On the other side of the coin, my aunt, who fought Hepatitis C for the last few years and who had been awaiting a liver was deemed to ill to remain on the list, and was removed from life support yesterday, she died last night.
On top of all of this, my blood pressure has been rising, which in and of itself does not concern me, it rose just before Sage was born as well. But in order to go into this birth "clear" I've had to come to the understanding that my perfect homebirth may not happen, I have shed many tears at that thought. I don't believe I'm sick, I don't feel sick, but I know it's not just about me. I am doing everything in my power to bring it down, the Brewer diet, Calcium and Magnesium, tincture of Linden Blossom, rest, but my Midwives must protect themselves too, despite how strongly I feel that all is well.
Birth is the door that opens both ways, I sometimes think that I've allowed the negativity of the hospital to affect me. Now is time for faith in birth.
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3 comments:
I'm so sorry about your aunt. I don't know how they decide who will stay on their lists and whose life is dispensable. That's hard. I think that birth has changed during the time of the hospitals in that there is always the specter of fear hanging overhead. Will "they" deem me unfit to do what my body was built to do? Will they decide to step in and take over? The worry is a negative charge, isn't it? You sound like you've been doing everything in your power to keep it at bay.
Thank you Ms Tenacious. I know you had your own struggles with your midwives during your pregnancy with your son. It can be SO hard to advocate for ourselves, even when we trust our "care providers"(such a cold term). If anything, it makes me feel that much more empathetic towards the vulnerability of the women I care for.
And yes, I feel like, if this would turn into a hospital birth, all I can see is drugs, pit, lines, and a section.
As a woman who really trusts her own body's ability, that vision truly sucks.
All you can do is the best you can. If it means a hospital because of unavoidable complications, it's not your fault. It's painful. It's not what you would want, but give yourself space to mourn before, if labour is not already on you. I cried so much about so many different things during my pregnancy. By the time I reached labour, I wasn't all cried out by any means, but I was clear about what was upsetting, if nothing else. It sort of cleared the way so that I could get down to business. Hang in there.
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